Ambient Wanderings

I was originally going to write an intro explaining how witty and intellectual and funny (albeit in a very geeky way) my title was, but then decided that it was too tiresome to write out, as well as the fact that if people didn't get it in the first place then they never would at all. So I wrote this instead.

Man. It's been so long since I've blogged seriously that I can't really remember where I left off. I sorta have to decided where my life is going to take me from this point, and not all of my futures have enough room for blogging in them. I will probably always write, at least sporadically, throughout the rest of my life, but successful blogging requires that (a) you be somewhat permanently attached to your computer, and (b) an audience. My recent life as a wanderer has broken me free of my computer and any kind of expectation for internet access, and while I may have a rampant, mostly uncontrolled streak of hedonism I'm actually a pragmatist at heart. So, since I didn't have a computer or internet access, I got rid of my hugely overwhelming craving for them. Unfortunately this seems to have made me even more of an Otaku, but that's aside from the point.
Furthermore, you have to remember that my wandering is more along the lines of the ronin - masterless, placeless. The latin word planetes also applies - a self-contained body without permanent location or destination. It's difficult to keep up with friends when you are whirling through the galaxy at unimaginable speeds and distances.
My point is that over the last few years my life has taken on a distant quality. I feel almost insubstantial- or perhaps the other way around, as though my past is something I read about in a biography. Even my old dreams and ambitions, once so plentiful there wasn't room for them in my head, are now more like posters of great movies of yore that I never really got around to watching.
And so much about me and my life makes it difficult to be with other people for extended periods of time - at some point, I'm going to get on their nerves and ruin things for everyone. Even my family can't tolerate me for long stretches. In order to exist within the social framework of real life I have to put on a mask. I wear a girdle, step softly and breath quietly. Staying aware of everything around me and responding properly is nightmarishly difficult, because so much of it is an act.
I appreciate my family and the handful of long-term friends who feel comfortable enough around me that I can be more myself around them, but I still wish to be respectful of their feelings and so restrain myself when I feel appropriate.
Perhaps this is just life in general, for everyone, but suffice to say that I find it difficult to keep up with an audience. Real-life friends are tough because I have no transportation or money (as well as the social issues mentioned above), and Internet friends are tough because of the accelerated time on the web and lack of consistent access on my part.

And in case you forgot what I'm actually talking about, because I have, let me get back on track. Currently I'm listening the the EVE ambient soundtracks, composed by John Hallur. They are terrific atmospheric electronica with wide stereo imaging and deep rumbling bass elements. No, I'm not getting sidetracked, I'm getting back into my groove.
I love blogging. I love to think and reason and I love to get feedback on that. I prefer electronic to analog formats because it gives me time to think about what to say, how to phrase it, and additionally I don't st-tutter when I t-ype. ;P
But when things are as sporadic as they are - I haven't even had computer access for so long that I've gotten out of the habit of making notes on things and ideas. Just sitting down to write this ramble has taken me three days to work up the energy.
But my lack of any sort of regular interaction with the internet circles has the same effect it does in real life, and so no one really reads my blogs. Obviously, because there's NOTHING THERE. lol

It's funny how my life breaks apart when I don't have a job. I've totally lost track of my future because I've never wanted anything more than to work. Now that I don't have a job and can't seem to get one, God seems to be wanting me to learn a different method of motivation.
And hey, if I don't have to pass a urine test for it - rock on! lol

It's taken me the entire time since I've been back from KS to get my computer working again - it seems I have ANOTHER buggy motherboard. >grumble@ASUS< But all is better now (sorta) as I have a nice clean XP Corp install dual booting with Ubuntu 7.10. I use XP more at the moment because I get more done - with Linux I fiddle with things for hours going "ooh! check this out...!" I'm just not familar enough with it yet for it to be productive.
Currently if I boot into it I know I'll start fighting with XGL-accellerated dual monitors and Compiz-fusion. At the moment it seems to be a pick-two-of-three problem; either use Compiz and one screen, or two screens and standard XGL accelleration. >sigh<

Anyhow, I've somehow had a bible study dropped into my lap, and the attendees range from 13-14 to my parents. It's weird enough having someone like ME leading a bible study, it's even weirder to have a man in his late 30's look up to me for instruction. I mean, yeah - I always expect to be taken seriously... But I guess I'm so used to being rogue and scorned that it feels odd to not only have a serious audience but to actually teach God's word.
We'll see how this goes, but if things keep on, I might even be teaching some classes for the local homeschool group next year. It's actually enough to make me somewhat nervous. :) The current ideas are a computer class of some kind that uses gaming to teach computer skills, and a drama class (yeah... I'm a little scared of that one myself).

Well, I seem to have run out of steam. Laters.

Devin Townsend Band - Away

First of all, I've added two very important features. First is my site feed, and second is email updates. there is a a little Feedburner icon to the right for the feed, and there is a short form to sign up to recieve an email whenever I make a post.
I know I don't blog often enough, but hopefully email and automated feeds can allow me a wider reader base who don't have to work so hard to keep track of me.

And... Suddenly I am tired. There are things I need to talk about - things I SHOULD have been talking about already... But I will procrastinate yet more. Please sign up for the email at the very least!

"How long, how long / woman will you weep..."

For someone who pursues the life of chaos as I do, I don't handle unplanned disruptions so well. I've blogged before about being something of a control-freak and power-tripper, but the last couple of weeks have been a steady stream of painful life lessons.

I've come through a lot at this point in my life, and much of my current positive outlook is because I see myself as something a wandering hero. I admit that a lot of that is because I indulge in heroic fantasy far more than is healthy, but much of my attitude is backed up by actual fact.
I try to be an upright, honest and honorable man. My failures have been many, and each has taught me something important about myself and life. Each time I've fallen, I've gotten back up with a new view of the world around me.
I haven't blogged in so long - I haven't had consistent internet access in quite some time - there are huge gaps in online record of what's been going on in my life; which has been quite a lot.

I suppose a short version of the last two-ish months could be summed up as follows:
* Went to Chicago to get my stuff; what was to have been a three-day trip turned into a 24-hour nightmare where I was stopped and searched twice by piggish cops and I had to cancel several visits with friends.
* Two days later (still in recovery, since the trip had made me sick), I get hired for a job based in Kansas, and by the middle of the next week (I was home for about 4 days) I was moved and working hard.
* Several weeks later we take a break and go to Chicago for some pro-bono work for the Institute and a wedding. The stay was just over a week, during which I had my beloved external hard-drive, MX Revolution mouse and the new (for me) T42 laptop I'd just spent my last $500 on stolen... And from here on things get interesting because when I got home (back to KS):
* I get fired. And evicted - So it's back to Texas. And I'm broke again. I am staying in a 27' travel trailer that I'm (somehow) going to buy from my parents, and have no job and little enough chance of finding one. *sigh*

To make things more interesting, my sister has decided that I and my family hate her and is moving out. My attempt at talking to her only showed me how angry she is at me (for what she refuses to say), and ended with - believe it or not - her curled up on the futon, hands on her ears and me in tears (yep). I don't really respond well when someone I love pushes me aside.
This is doubly interesting because my life strangely mirrors what's going on in Naruto Shippuuden right now - and it's a well-known fact that when you start drawing connections between anime/manga and real life you have serious issues.
But the point here is that I've had some major hammerblows to my character. I've seen myself as ungrateful, self-centered and astonishingly worried about my destiny. I've suddenly realised I've got a list longer than my arm of friends who've needed help that I failed to provide, in spite of years of training and preparation. When push came to shove, I had to step aside because I couldn't hack it.

But... I also know that my life isn't about my strengths, but my weaknesses. I am only great and powerful when I am useless to anyone. I've been praying recently that God would revitalise my life... And I'd forgotten what following God really meant.
At this point I know that I'm here, now, because I need a good lesson in humility. But in all honesty, this is a really rough path I follow. It's at times like this that even I have trouble remembering to look to the future and trust in God, in spite of all I've been through it turns out I'm human, after all.

*sigh* It's both discouraging and uplifting to realise that. But at least I know my conscience still works.

Rattle, Trap and Cough

Asking me if I know something is often like opening Pandora's Box. I've never had a problem with lack of skill. In fact, as arrogant as it might sound, if anything I've got TOO MUCH skill. I've never personally thought this. Even to this day the idea, while something well within my bounds of understanding, still confazzles (yes, I just made that up) me.
I can't recall anything I've ever done that I was just really unable to do. Granted, a large part of this is me protecting my reputation - I don't do things unless there's a really good chance that I can do it at least as well as the competition.
And of course there are areas of specialisation that I fail in - you can only specialise in one thing at a time. There are people who are stronger, faster, tougher - probably even smarter (heaven forbid!). But, even though I'm a geek and spend nearly every available hour with my computer, most of my work experience has been blue-collar, manual labor type stuff.
I guess much of that comes from growing up in Texas. Most places here a body is expected to pull its own weight. This means that EVERYONE at some point in their life has to work outdoors in the searing heat - for guys there's the standard mowing of lawns.
I've never lived in the city. My life has been small town suburban and rural - out here, for those of you who don't live in Texas - rural generally only applies to areas under 30 min out. Anything further than that is "country".
I recall once in Chicago I went with some friends to find sky that wasn't full of light pollution - it took us nearly two hours. Chicago's sprawl has nothing on Texas cities, so the light pollution isn't as dense. On the other hand, even though you can see the stars, there are little towns about every 30-50 miles, irrespective of how you travel... So there's always light SOMEWHERE.

Well. I know I started rambling, but I can't get myself interested in this. I want to listen to more American Gods.

Well, I guess I can talk a little about that. Neil Gaiman seems to hold the key to my heart at this point. Nearly everything I read of his just about takes my breath away with its brilliance. I'm sure I've written about this somewhere else, but regardless: when I first read "Neverwhere," I hadn't really read anything in a long, long time (read: years) that really just turned my imagination on full-force and let it run free.
"Neverwhere" popped bright lights in my head, and when I finished it I turned it over and started it again almost immediately. I've never read any other book that was just SO good that after reading I had to read it again - and I've read many AMAZING books.

So, I just finished a torrent of Neil Gaiman audio books, and my first is "American Gods." Don't ask me why it's taken me this long to read Gaiman... Anyhow. After I read "Neverwhere," I bought the CD editions of "Stardust" and "Fragile Things." Yeah, I liked him enough that with one book he went from "I need to read his stuff one day" to "I will buy something with his name on it, just give it to me."
Short story anthologies have always been some of my favorite books - all those authors and styles and ideas between two covers... Sometimes the combinations can be amazing. Among "Fragile Things" are two prose-poems, "Going Woodwo" and "The Fairy Reel" - both of which never fail to astonish me with their clear beauty, and "October In The Chair," which I consider one of the finest fantasy tales ever written.

Well, I'm off. Maybe I'll get my room clean, or something on my computer fixed - but I doubt it.

Oh yes, and as a public service announcement: alcohol (Crendain, in this case) on top of Provigil-boosted Mountain Dew seems to be a recipe for fast intoxication. More on this later.

Dedication

I feel like when I lost my stories, I lost a vital part of me. In fact, I know that while I may never actually write, whatever made me lose touch with them also cost me my motivation.
I haven't blogged in ages, not because I had nothing to write about; but because the sheer volume of activity and data I've been going through has been staggering. I realised tonight that my head is full of little fragmentary dreams. Without realising it, I've become insular and lost sight of my grander dreams.

If I was really honest about it, while I may talk big and even appear to make an impressive effort - most of my dreams are show. I don't REALLY expect to ever go to Japan, or school, or even get a good job any time in the near future. I really doubt I'll see Chicago in time to make any difference in the lives of my friends.
However, this stark factual reality does not prevent me from pining for the very things I cannot have. I had up until recently thought this was sufficient for motivation. But I realise that the reason I haven't really done anything in nearly two years is because I had nothing to do. I have no real long-term interests. Japan is too insurmountable a goal. I have no hope of ever getting a steady girlfriend, much less get married. I've managed to arrange things so that I've isolated myself from all I had made of myself in the world, wrecking a few friendships all the way.
After such a fall... It's taken me this long just to come to my senses. And I know right now that this point of clarity is most likely temporary. I'll lapse back into the stupor of habit for a bit and... There is a long road ahead, I think.

So what do I want? I want to create a world that will change the lives of all those who experience it. I've wanted this for most of my life, deep down. To tell a story that makes a difference - something effecting change. First there was my writing, then that broke down and I tried sound. Then I tried blogging.
And then one day I changed me. I don't know what triggered it, or if it was a sudden thing - but from then on my life has been on fire. Even with no job and living a hippy lifestyle I can barely keep track of things (and not because my head's full of smoke).
But more important than that dream, I realised, is WHY I want this dream to be my life work. Why I want to leave such a huge mark is twofold.

One man has always stood head and shoulders above every one of the men I admire: My dad. So, the first line in my dedication would be:
To Dad, whom I love dearly because he is deeply flawed and pure of heart. He was the first to show me the value of learning and knowledge, and that wisdom and a good name are to be desired above all things.

But there's another line following this, less ornate - more formal, perhaps - but nonetheless heartfelt:
To Dave, who put up with my immaturity and impropriety and incessant questions, graciously overlooked my reckless, casual attitude towards everything and saw through to the man I be, were I given the right nudges. Above all, he showed me what knowledge was for and how it should be learned and applied.

There are other people who have affected me greatly in my life, but while I've never thought of myself as having a hero - if there was anyone's approval I covet... It is these two.

So, perhaps I have a dream. To be such a man that both these great men would even deign to admit that I had surpassed even their hopes for me. This is the hard road, and at the moment it is quite lonely... But I reckon this cost a fair bargain, even cheap, for the reward I intend to reap.

My Life Of Tragedy

Ok, so maybe it's not so tragic - but our family doctor (our doctor for years) denied our refills yesterday, as well as sending us a form letter telling us we need to find a new doctor. My dad thinks that this is due to the pharmacist at Granbury Drug throwing a fit. The last time I got my scripts refilled he really gave us a hard time, asking various impertinent questions about what I was taking the meds for, how much I was taking, blah, blah, blah - and being a pharmacist he had no right to question anything my doctor said. Legally he doesn't need to know and asking such questions is actually illegal (answering is my prerogative, but I am in no way obligated to answer him).
So... The short of the long is that regardless of why Dr. Moss decided to drop us (It's my opinion that she's simply cutting back on her client base. About a year ago she was in a very bad accident and even to this day can't keep up with her patients.), we are in Houston with no pain meds, no anixolytics - nothing that would help my dad's knee or my headache. My dad's on warfarin sodium (blood thinner) and can't take ibuprofen or naproxen sodium - and I've been taking Vicodin for so long that I'm in the habit of not taking acetaminophen...
At the moment I'm stoked to the gills on naproxen and ibuprofen... I can only hope I don't start bleeding out my nose by the evening, and that the OTC painkillers continue to function all weekend... If they _don't_, (and I don't have much of a positive outlook about that) then I'll be lucky if I'm still able to see by nightfall. And don't even get me started about my dad.

Anyhow. I want to go walk around and see if I can't relax some. I may write more later.

I Love This Feeling (but I think I'm pathetic)

However, the feeling is a problem. It is both blessing and curse to not have to think about stuff. On the one hand it is - for a obsessive overanalyser - blissful peace, but on the other hand is the realisation that I will forget about this when everything wears off. And that just goes to show you how difficult it is for me not to overanalyse things. Like now, as well.

The clonazepam (enhanced in various ways by THC) is allowing me to relax and selectively start and stop reasoning processes. I've always felt that my reasoning and logic was a separate segment of my brain, but here it's like I can shut off the logic center entirely and operate it externally. Yes. I _know_ that sounds crazy. Trust me, I'm not crazy. In the words of Devin Townsend: "I'm not insane! I'm not insane! I'm just smarter than you!" :D

However, if I do that for to long I pass out, so I sit here avoiding it, bored out of my head because no one else is online. I've gotta do something about my biological clock.

In actuality, however... My thoughts have drifted off to the somewhat morose topic of me. Why is that such a terrible topic? Well, because in this case I refer to the fact that I am alone. Aside from my God, I have no one to stand beside me.
My parents are imperfect. They fight and squabble like any ordinary humans - but they truly love each other. Each is, in their individual ways, wholeheartedly focused toward the success of the other. The Significant Other.
For me as a geek, that term is not lacking proper reverence. In the digital world, the "significant" bit is the tag that sets a data packet apart from the static of millions of simultaneous signals. For the program looking for that particular bit, the desired packet is literally the ONLY PACKET in existence.
The program exists, and the packet exists; but that extra bit ties them inextricably together.

I'm not tied down. I don't want to be. But I can no longer ignore the fact that I long desparately for someone willing to stand beside me in my task. I haven't really thought about my future much, but I have this hunch that I'm not ready - or, perhaps, not _meant_ to tackle my destiny alone.

But on the other hand, I could be feeling this feeling as strongly as I normally feel things, simply in order to be properly trained for ministry. Whichever it is... It's getting tiresome.

I saw this earlier and it seriously canned my mood. I will certainly see that movie, and if it is as good as the music video/trailer indicates I shall cry myself senseless while I watch it.

I live life as fully as possible. My limits are little known, even to me ( I never know until I'm faced with a situation what my response will be) - but... "It is not good for man to be alone." And, dammit, I'm FUCKING lonely.

I think what I want in a friend (well, specifically girl) is completely unrealistic.
She has to be at least as smart as me (by my definition)
She has to have strong artistic interests and/or skills
She has to be widely and highly educated
She has to be able to understand me without me breaking apart my ideas (see 1st line)
She has to like metal, or at the very least "dark" music and the alt-culture lifestyle
She has to be strong, but sweet. Strong enough to stand up against my bullheadedness, but sweet enough to remind me that she's really very delicate and that I must be kind and gentle
She has to be as loyal to me as I am to her... I truly understand what it means to give your life to another, and I think it's only reasonable that the same devotion be returned
She has to be wise as well as smart and educated - not only does she have information, she knows how to process it and put it to its best use.
She has to like kids. Not just because I want kids (see next entry), but because I need someone to remind me that I like them, too
She has to want kids. If she can't have them, fine. I don't care - kids are important but there are other ways to leave a legacy. I would never hold such a thing against anyone, much less my other half.
She should have a humble attitude and be willing to see the truth about herself and others. This is something I strive for in myself, and find it such a freedom to work through issues together with someone of the same mindset. It's so peaceful and straightforward when people live by honor and respect, both of themselves and others.
She should be good with money. This is because I am not that capable at planning ahead. My thinking is far too vertical, but if she's no good then at least she has to agree on set rules as to the handling of money.
At the moment, she needs a job so she can support me until I find a job. Or, failing that (or lacking patience with my shenanigans she turns me out), she needs to be willing to wait until I find one.
I also cannot shake the utter conviction that she needs be a Christian; however, the verse traditionally said to forbid mixed-faith-weddings merely said "be not unequally yoked" - this could allow a broader interpretation allowing mixed-faith-relationships if they are based on mutual respect. I do have some cautions about that idea, however, namely: Such a relationship would mean we could talk about anything _but_ our ideas regarding faith and holiness and such things. Or, if we did talk about such things, I suspect that the stress from avoiding the issue would build over time into a genuine sore spot between us. The other option is the perfect one (but infinitely unlikely even in this already outrageous list), where we'd come to a complete understanding of the other's faith and thought processes involved therin, and if at such a point one of us didn't then agree with the others' views, then at least we could talk freely and openly about every issue on our hearts with confidence that the other would understand, sympathise and ultimately be able to communicate our true feelings together, working as a team with each party treating the other out of utmost respect and love.

Let me reiterate: I fully believe in doing my best to live my life to the utmost. Good, bad, responsible, irresponsible - these things I leave up to God. If I feel free to do something, and I see no other overriding reason to restrain myself, I do what I want, as I want.
I freely admit to a vast weakness for hedonism. However, I know that such pleasures are temporary and accord them therefore only temporary influence over me. God is all. I am able to enjoy these pleasures by His good will.
So, as a confessed hedonist - hard drinker, vast drug user (and abuser), fornicator, born liar, sex addict, power-eager and completely self centered - where can someone like me go? Who will take me as I am - knowing all there is to know about me, good and bad? Am I strong enough to accept someone on those terms?

The only place I can turn is to my Father in Heaven. Recently I've begun to just spontaneously pray whenever I am concerned or stressed or even just confused. My prayers are not fancy:
"Father God, I worship you with my every desire. I know that my efforts are feeble and utterly meaningless in the sight of my debt and I'm deeply grateful for your mercy that allows me to come to you - as your child and joint-heir with Christ Jesus.
Right now I just ask that you would bless the work of my fingers. Protect my computer, the datalinks, remote systems and everything else related to this writing if it is your will I do this.
If not, please provide me with the humility and grace to live in your loving mercy, and grant me contentment and peace until I come to a full understanding of your will.
I confess I have not kept you the center of my being, as is your right. I have acted many times in pride: selfishness, anger, speaking scorn and malice, self-righteousness... Of course, there are my unending phsyical appetites. I continue to plead for guiding wisdom as to how I should live my daily life in such a way that I may bring as many people as possible into contact with the Light of Your Truth. Father, please continue to flood me with your love. I can feel the changes increasing in magnitude and frequency. I trust you and you alone to guide me along my daily path, to keep me safe theron or else take me into your rest. Give me understanding and knowledge, increase your scrutiny to scour me into perfect readiness for my task, that I might complete it with the knowlege that You led me step-by-step to here, and whatever the outcome might be, I will nevertheless be the victor for I will at that time truly be ready for the task you've assigned to me.
Bless those reading this, that my words might provide some form of encouragement or inspiration or education. Thank you for the day I had today, and the pleasures I was to enjoy in it, for I know they are blessings from You.
Protect my family against dangers they are not prepared for. Guide me that I might best observe, interpret, and having done so, to pass on the best advice I can give my siblings. The many young adults in my accquaintance, Lord... I ask that you heal my weakened heart. I wanted to believe that I can help others with the truths you can made known to me, but lately I have difficulty actually believing it. "Lord, I believe! Help thou mine unbelief."
Give me a cheerful spirit and attitude that I might encourage and "energize" those I come into contact with. Also, I ask that you would provide me with a job - the perfect job that only you can provide and that I might recognise it when I see it. Calm my many pains so I can lay of the meds. Be with Daddy as his knee heals. Give Mommy and Aunt Tammie your peace that passes understanding that they might allow their worldly burdens to fade while in your presence. Please God, their faiths are weak - I am weak but some are even now battling with your existence. Please strengthen them, Father. I pray a hedge of protection around them, "For He shall give his angels charge over thee" - and I know that as a servant of The Most High God, being purified by the incorruptible blood of Christ Jesus that I posses the authority to speak in His name. Satan, you and your fallen servants have no dominion over me in any form. I live free in Christ's redeeming blood and my irreconcilable debt has been paid - it is by this freely-bestowed authority that I tell you to cease and do not resume your whisperings and temptings.
Equally, Father, I ask that you might work a great work in the hearts of my mother and aunt. Allow them to see past themselves and trust, instead, in the faith you have filled them with. Father I humbly as these things as your eternal servant and adopted son, that your name be glorified, that suffering might be eased, and that wisdom might grow from adversity that is not overwhelming.
I thank you for the influence and respect that I have gained among men, for I know it is you that guides our hearts. Amen"

...though they are, like me, long-winded and wordy things. There is a theraputic blessing to praying like this. It refreshes you. You feel... Honored. Blessed. Stunned, even.

My God: my Saviour, Master, Lord and yes, Life. He is as real to me as I am. I cannot imagine going back to my former life, because for me, now, those days I was really and truly "dead". How can someone, after being given a new life, ever want to make anything but the best of it? My life has meaning, purpose and destination. The purpose pushes me towards the fabled destination, but we have many unplanned adventures along the way, and this trip becomes a life-long study of meaning, with the pleasure of my master awaiting the completion of my duties.


And, well.... I just don't think I've met the girl who can deal with all that I represent.

I've lived alone all my life - what's a few more years?

Conversations and Paranoia

Tonight my cousin came and picked me up and we hung out. As we left Sonic for his house, I remarked:
"Man you're a _terrible_ driver when you're stoned."
"What do you mean?! I'm a _great_ driver!!" He seemed genuinely shocked that I'd think such a thing. I'm not really sure where I got the idea, either, because it couldn't have been him weaving over the road, stopping and reacting too slowly (if they had pulled out in front of us, I'd have died), and various other safety violations. He never sped, though.
I had a trump card though: "You're not as good as me!" My voice held a ringing note of triumph as I stated this, because I knew I was right - and what's more, I knew _he_ knew it as well.
Sure enough, he opened his mouth and said... Nothing. There was instead a long awkward pause as he sat, unable to say anything. This silence soon lapsed into stoned forgetfulness.

I mused for a bit on the irony of this situation, and as we approached his turn, noticed a pickup truck sitting at the stop sign. They were pulling out of the same road we were about to turn onto - and they just sat there. We slowed down. They sat there. We reach the corner. They sat there - Literally, it happens at that speed. It's so blocky and powerful that it just subsumes everything.
My cousin gripes: "What are you doing, motherfucker!? MOVE! Shit - man, you can go! What more do you want?"
I merely listen in marvel as he then tells me that he "Really hates these assholes-" '...assholes?' I whisper to myself as he continues, "that get out here and don't know how to fuckin' drive, man, and it's really startin' to piss me off the way they're newb-ing it up out here."
I mutter some kind of positive sound and sit quietly as we unsteadly weave along the roads beneath his righteous tone(and totally impervious to the obvious, as well).

Well kids. Don't ever let anyone tell you that drugs make you smarter. However, don't let them tell you drugs make you _stupid_, either. Don't believe silly lies.