I Love This Feeling (but I think I'm pathetic)

However, the feeling is a problem. It is both blessing and curse to not have to think about stuff. On the one hand it is - for a obsessive overanalyser - blissful peace, but on the other hand is the realisation that I will forget about this when everything wears off. And that just goes to show you how difficult it is for me not to overanalyse things. Like now, as well.

The clonazepam (enhanced in various ways by THC) is allowing me to relax and selectively start and stop reasoning processes. I've always felt that my reasoning and logic was a separate segment of my brain, but here it's like I can shut off the logic center entirely and operate it externally. Yes. I _know_ that sounds crazy. Trust me, I'm not crazy. In the words of Devin Townsend: "I'm not insane! I'm not insane! I'm just smarter than you!" :D

However, if I do that for to long I pass out, so I sit here avoiding it, bored out of my head because no one else is online. I've gotta do something about my biological clock.

In actuality, however... My thoughts have drifted off to the somewhat morose topic of me. Why is that such a terrible topic? Well, because in this case I refer to the fact that I am alone. Aside from my God, I have no one to stand beside me.
My parents are imperfect. They fight and squabble like any ordinary humans - but they truly love each other. Each is, in their individual ways, wholeheartedly focused toward the success of the other. The Significant Other.
For me as a geek, that term is not lacking proper reverence. In the digital world, the "significant" bit is the tag that sets a data packet apart from the static of millions of simultaneous signals. For the program looking for that particular bit, the desired packet is literally the ONLY PACKET in existence.
The program exists, and the packet exists; but that extra bit ties them inextricably together.

I'm not tied down. I don't want to be. But I can no longer ignore the fact that I long desparately for someone willing to stand beside me in my task. I haven't really thought about my future much, but I have this hunch that I'm not ready - or, perhaps, not _meant_ to tackle my destiny alone.

But on the other hand, I could be feeling this feeling as strongly as I normally feel things, simply in order to be properly trained for ministry. Whichever it is... It's getting tiresome.

I saw this earlier and it seriously canned my mood. I will certainly see that movie, and if it is as good as the music video/trailer indicates I shall cry myself senseless while I watch it.

I live life as fully as possible. My limits are little known, even to me ( I never know until I'm faced with a situation what my response will be) - but... "It is not good for man to be alone." And, dammit, I'm FUCKING lonely.

I think what I want in a friend (well, specifically girl) is completely unrealistic.
She has to be at least as smart as me (by my definition)
She has to have strong artistic interests and/or skills
She has to be widely and highly educated
She has to be able to understand me without me breaking apart my ideas (see 1st line)
She has to like metal, or at the very least "dark" music and the alt-culture lifestyle
She has to be strong, but sweet. Strong enough to stand up against my bullheadedness, but sweet enough to remind me that she's really very delicate and that I must be kind and gentle
She has to be as loyal to me as I am to her... I truly understand what it means to give your life to another, and I think it's only reasonable that the same devotion be returned
She has to be wise as well as smart and educated - not only does she have information, she knows how to process it and put it to its best use.
She has to like kids. Not just because I want kids (see next entry), but because I need someone to remind me that I like them, too
She has to want kids. If she can't have them, fine. I don't care - kids are important but there are other ways to leave a legacy. I would never hold such a thing against anyone, much less my other half.
She should have a humble attitude and be willing to see the truth about herself and others. This is something I strive for in myself, and find it such a freedom to work through issues together with someone of the same mindset. It's so peaceful and straightforward when people live by honor and respect, both of themselves and others.
She should be good with money. This is because I am not that capable at planning ahead. My thinking is far too vertical, but if she's no good then at least she has to agree on set rules as to the handling of money.
At the moment, she needs a job so she can support me until I find a job. Or, failing that (or lacking patience with my shenanigans she turns me out), she needs to be willing to wait until I find one.
I also cannot shake the utter conviction that she needs be a Christian; however, the verse traditionally said to forbid mixed-faith-weddings merely said "be not unequally yoked" - this could allow a broader interpretation allowing mixed-faith-relationships if they are based on mutual respect. I do have some cautions about that idea, however, namely: Such a relationship would mean we could talk about anything _but_ our ideas regarding faith and holiness and such things. Or, if we did talk about such things, I suspect that the stress from avoiding the issue would build over time into a genuine sore spot between us. The other option is the perfect one (but infinitely unlikely even in this already outrageous list), where we'd come to a complete understanding of the other's faith and thought processes involved therin, and if at such a point one of us didn't then agree with the others' views, then at least we could talk freely and openly about every issue on our hearts with confidence that the other would understand, sympathise and ultimately be able to communicate our true feelings together, working as a team with each party treating the other out of utmost respect and love.

Let me reiterate: I fully believe in doing my best to live my life to the utmost. Good, bad, responsible, irresponsible - these things I leave up to God. If I feel free to do something, and I see no other overriding reason to restrain myself, I do what I want, as I want.
I freely admit to a vast weakness for hedonism. However, I know that such pleasures are temporary and accord them therefore only temporary influence over me. God is all. I am able to enjoy these pleasures by His good will.
So, as a confessed hedonist - hard drinker, vast drug user (and abuser), fornicator, born liar, sex addict, power-eager and completely self centered - where can someone like me go? Who will take me as I am - knowing all there is to know about me, good and bad? Am I strong enough to accept someone on those terms?

The only place I can turn is to my Father in Heaven. Recently I've begun to just spontaneously pray whenever I am concerned or stressed or even just confused. My prayers are not fancy:
"Father God, I worship you with my every desire. I know that my efforts are feeble and utterly meaningless in the sight of my debt and I'm deeply grateful for your mercy that allows me to come to you - as your child and joint-heir with Christ Jesus.
Right now I just ask that you would bless the work of my fingers. Protect my computer, the datalinks, remote systems and everything else related to this writing if it is your will I do this.
If not, please provide me with the humility and grace to live in your loving mercy, and grant me contentment and peace until I come to a full understanding of your will.
I confess I have not kept you the center of my being, as is your right. I have acted many times in pride: selfishness, anger, speaking scorn and malice, self-righteousness... Of course, there are my unending phsyical appetites. I continue to plead for guiding wisdom as to how I should live my daily life in such a way that I may bring as many people as possible into contact with the Light of Your Truth. Father, please continue to flood me with your love. I can feel the changes increasing in magnitude and frequency. I trust you and you alone to guide me along my daily path, to keep me safe theron or else take me into your rest. Give me understanding and knowledge, increase your scrutiny to scour me into perfect readiness for my task, that I might complete it with the knowlege that You led me step-by-step to here, and whatever the outcome might be, I will nevertheless be the victor for I will at that time truly be ready for the task you've assigned to me.
Bless those reading this, that my words might provide some form of encouragement or inspiration or education. Thank you for the day I had today, and the pleasures I was to enjoy in it, for I know they are blessings from You.
Protect my family against dangers they are not prepared for. Guide me that I might best observe, interpret, and having done so, to pass on the best advice I can give my siblings. The many young adults in my accquaintance, Lord... I ask that you heal my weakened heart. I wanted to believe that I can help others with the truths you can made known to me, but lately I have difficulty actually believing it. "Lord, I believe! Help thou mine unbelief."
Give me a cheerful spirit and attitude that I might encourage and "energize" those I come into contact with. Also, I ask that you would provide me with a job - the perfect job that only you can provide and that I might recognise it when I see it. Calm my many pains so I can lay of the meds. Be with Daddy as his knee heals. Give Mommy and Aunt Tammie your peace that passes understanding that they might allow their worldly burdens to fade while in your presence. Please God, their faiths are weak - I am weak but some are even now battling with your existence. Please strengthen them, Father. I pray a hedge of protection around them, "For He shall give his angels charge over thee" - and I know that as a servant of The Most High God, being purified by the incorruptible blood of Christ Jesus that I posses the authority to speak in His name. Satan, you and your fallen servants have no dominion over me in any form. I live free in Christ's redeeming blood and my irreconcilable debt has been paid - it is by this freely-bestowed authority that I tell you to cease and do not resume your whisperings and temptings.
Equally, Father, I ask that you might work a great work in the hearts of my mother and aunt. Allow them to see past themselves and trust, instead, in the faith you have filled them with. Father I humbly as these things as your eternal servant and adopted son, that your name be glorified, that suffering might be eased, and that wisdom might grow from adversity that is not overwhelming.
I thank you for the influence and respect that I have gained among men, for I know it is you that guides our hearts. Amen"

...though they are, like me, long-winded and wordy things. There is a theraputic blessing to praying like this. It refreshes you. You feel... Honored. Blessed. Stunned, even.

My God: my Saviour, Master, Lord and yes, Life. He is as real to me as I am. I cannot imagine going back to my former life, because for me, now, those days I was really and truly "dead". How can someone, after being given a new life, ever want to make anything but the best of it? My life has meaning, purpose and destination. The purpose pushes me towards the fabled destination, but we have many unplanned adventures along the way, and this trip becomes a life-long study of meaning, with the pleasure of my master awaiting the completion of my duties.


And, well.... I just don't think I've met the girl who can deal with all that I represent.

I've lived alone all my life - what's a few more years?