I love the night...

I always have. I've always been more of a night person than a morning person; even at a young age people would often remark at how my energy level would go up when the sun went down. For most of my life I've worked all day and come home to stay up most of the night. It's not that I ever really planned to stay up late... It just sorta works out that way.

But I've never really been much of an outdoors person. The childhood I remember has me playing out doors a lot, but my mom and dad both tell me that I was always more keen to stay inside and read than I was to go outside and play. I personally feel that my youth is actually a balance of the two, but that's neither here nor there.
The point is that since I've been older (early teens), I've spent most of my time inside. Much of that was spent on my computer doing geeky things like dial up BBS'es and playing games, to chatting with people from around the world, and more and more in my later years, watching anime. I've always been an avid reader, and only in recent years has my interest in music waned to a point where I almost find it distracting to listen to music.

But tonight... I had just finished watching "No Country For Old Men" with my sister, and had moved on to chatting with some friends and doing a bit of browsing the web. I had settled on listening to some more of "The Golden Compass" audiobook I've been slowly working through, when I suddenly decided to go for a walk.
The nights here are very nice, this one being cool and slightly humid with a fairly stiff breeze. There are only a few thin and wispy clouds out, and as I'm quite far from any metropolitan area the stars are brilliant in a velvet sky.

The first thing I am reminded of is the person who taught me how nice it was to move about at night under the stars. I don't know whether it's true or not, but I like to think that she actually taught me to like something that I previously avoided.

But as I walked my mind wandered, and I realised some very interesting things. Foremost of these is the realisation that the biggest recent change in my life is that I have stopped working. All my life I've worked outdoors, or at least in some kind of position that required manual labor to a large extent.
HVAC, Printing, Remodeling, Roofing, Landscaping, Fencing... For nearly 10 years I've worked hard all day and come home to get three to five hours of sleep and then do it all over again the next day.
The next part of this comes in when I have a phone conversation requiring me to think. I have a rather extreme habit of aimlessly walking while doing so. The more engaged I am in the conversation, the more intense my pacing becomes. Up until my late teens most of this pacing was done indoors in a sort of convoluted loop, but in later years (after I got my cell phone and began working at IBLP and had endless nighttime minutes to spend, as well as a deep and abiding interest in avoiding eavesdroppers) I began walking outside.
I have walked, non-stop, for the life of my phone battery (depending on which phone, about three hours) more times than I can count. Here recently, when I was in Kansas, friends would call late and I would just go outside in my sleeping pants and undershirt, not even bothering with socks or shoes of any kind, and walk along the quiet farmtown streets until my feet were raw from the pavement.
So: I have a long history with mental activity generating excessive physical energy. I guess anyone who reads this will say "DUH!", but for me... this is something of a new perspective:

I realised that since I moved home from Chicago, for whatever reason, I have become more and more isolated and reclusive while simultaneously becoming more lethargic and increasingly disinterested in life in general.
I became lazy - ok, so I've always been lazy, but here I mean mentally lazy: I have a fairly strong will that I use to develop specific habits of behavior to solve problems or strengthen weak spots. As I stopped working, I also stopped maintaining my mental vigils and slowly allowed my mental edge to deteriorate.
I have known all of this, but tonight it came to me from a different angle: perhaps my thinking deeply requires me to work physically. I remember when I used to come home from work, exhausted, shower and maybe eat, and have enough energy to stay up for 6 more hours blogging my massive blog posts of yore.
I only stopped blogging after I stopped working. Even back in the day when I used to do chores and hang out laundry, much of my story ideas were developed during that time. And how I hated laundry! Ugh! The same thing, over and over and over again eventually drove me inwards, and I created huge worlds of escape in my head.


I think the most interesting next step from this idea is that maybe I'm mostly better now. I can't sleep, not because I'm so tired any more but because I'm just not that sleepy. I'm bored - alarmingly so, in my opinion (who has never been bored in his life) - not because I am to sick or whatever to go do something, but because lack of work prevents me from having a car and access to a social life. I realised about a week ago that suddenly I had energy again. My mind is no longer a dead blank of exhaustion, but often my thoughts are so loud they wake me up. I'm starting to remember the fact that I have dreams - which might also have something to do with it.

For whatever reason, I'm feeling vastly better on a scale and with a suddenness that I can't really properly comprehend just now. I still hurt a lot, though my muscles don't spasm anywhere nearly as severely as they used to, but I have energy in spite of it. It takes a lot, sometimes, to get over the pain initially (some days I swear it's not worth getting out of bed)... But most of the time I get too antsy and bored to just lay or sit around all day.

I think it's ironic that for years I wanted a vacation to get away and find my center again - but now that I've got my center back I feel like I'm 16 again and stuck. No car, no job, no insurance...

But at least I know that things are changing for the better. I'm stuck somewhere new now, and that's more interesting than how things used to be. :)

Tadaima!

I am now officially a Linux user. I have had Linux on my box since my last update (though this is a newer install), and have only used XP three or four times since then.

Currently my only complaint is lack of software support. Wine runs windoze programs very well, but games and such that require hardware integration have some annoying bugs. Supreme Commander crashes after 60 minutes of gameplay, for instance.

Aside from the inability to play my favorite games, I'm completely in love. My system acts like it's far more powerful than it really is. I usually have so many windows open that I can't easily find the one I'm looking for, and Compiz-fusion provides wobbly windows, tranparencies, particle effects, reflections and more. The average person doesn't notice I'm not running windoze, but they see that everything looks very nice and smooth. For those of you who know what Vista is like, Compiz easily beats Vista's polished look any day.

Codec support for mainstream video and audio is also tricky. The codecs you get with windoze or OSX are licensed from their owners: Fraunhofer owns MP3, for instance. If you wish to encode a file using that technology, you must purchase a license from Fraunhofer for the right to use their proprietary technology. When you buy your copy of windoze, part of that cost goes to paying for the licenses.
Linux is free (as in free speech), and the open source community is based off the idea that software code is a form of speech, similar to a book. It's not about money, but ownership. Modern copyright law forces people to assume ownership of something - but you can't own an idea. The open source initiative, stemming as it does from the hacker culture, believes that ideas are a resource and should be freely usable as such to the public.
But I'm getting sidetracked. My point is that aside from open codecs like the Xiph.org projects (Ogg Vorbis (audio), Ogg Theora (video), and Speex (streaming speech)) or FLAC (Free Lossless Audio Codec), no codec is actually free. Even things like XViD and x.264, which are free alternatives to DiVX and h.264 technically break copyright law because they perform the same function as the proprietary originals.
The end of all this mess is that the free distros of Linux do not come capable of playing any closed source media, including MP3 and DiVX. You have to add them all manually, during which process you will discover that you and millions of other people are breaking international copyright law by doing so. >sigh< But it's not like the owners are going to come kicking down your door for using these 'illegal' codecs... It just means more work for the user.

However, once they are installed, everything works far, far better than in windoze. I am pretty sure that even the video playback is better. I get better noise control and stronger, more contrasty colors.

The other annoyance is compiling software. I like to jump into something cold and figure it out while I'm drowning. But this time the river won't let me in... I'm actually going to have to ask someone for help on this, because I don't know the first step in rectifying these errors.

Oh well. It's all part of the fun!

Ambient Wanderings

I was originally going to write an intro explaining how witty and intellectual and funny (albeit in a very geeky way) my title was, but then decided that it was too tiresome to write out, as well as the fact that if people didn't get it in the first place then they never would at all. So I wrote this instead.

Man. It's been so long since I've blogged seriously that I can't really remember where I left off. I sorta have to decided where my life is going to take me from this point, and not all of my futures have enough room for blogging in them. I will probably always write, at least sporadically, throughout the rest of my life, but successful blogging requires that (a) you be somewhat permanently attached to your computer, and (b) an audience. My recent life as a wanderer has broken me free of my computer and any kind of expectation for internet access, and while I may have a rampant, mostly uncontrolled streak of hedonism I'm actually a pragmatist at heart. So, since I didn't have a computer or internet access, I got rid of my hugely overwhelming craving for them. Unfortunately this seems to have made me even more of an Otaku, but that's aside from the point.
Furthermore, you have to remember that my wandering is more along the lines of the ronin - masterless, placeless. The latin word planetes also applies - a self-contained body without permanent location or destination. It's difficult to keep up with friends when you are whirling through the galaxy at unimaginable speeds and distances.
My point is that over the last few years my life has taken on a distant quality. I feel almost insubstantial- or perhaps the other way around, as though my past is something I read about in a biography. Even my old dreams and ambitions, once so plentiful there wasn't room for them in my head, are now more like posters of great movies of yore that I never really got around to watching.
And so much about me and my life makes it difficult to be with other people for extended periods of time - at some point, I'm going to get on their nerves and ruin things for everyone. Even my family can't tolerate me for long stretches. In order to exist within the social framework of real life I have to put on a mask. I wear a girdle, step softly and breath quietly. Staying aware of everything around me and responding properly is nightmarishly difficult, because so much of it is an act.
I appreciate my family and the handful of long-term friends who feel comfortable enough around me that I can be more myself around them, but I still wish to be respectful of their feelings and so restrain myself when I feel appropriate.
Perhaps this is just life in general, for everyone, but suffice to say that I find it difficult to keep up with an audience. Real-life friends are tough because I have no transportation or money (as well as the social issues mentioned above), and Internet friends are tough because of the accelerated time on the web and lack of consistent access on my part.

And in case you forgot what I'm actually talking about, because I have, let me get back on track. Currently I'm listening the the EVE ambient soundtracks, composed by John Hallur. They are terrific atmospheric electronica with wide stereo imaging and deep rumbling bass elements. No, I'm not getting sidetracked, I'm getting back into my groove.
I love blogging. I love to think and reason and I love to get feedback on that. I prefer electronic to analog formats because it gives me time to think about what to say, how to phrase it, and additionally I don't st-tutter when I t-ype. ;P
But when things are as sporadic as they are - I haven't even had computer access for so long that I've gotten out of the habit of making notes on things and ideas. Just sitting down to write this ramble has taken me three days to work up the energy.
But my lack of any sort of regular interaction with the internet circles has the same effect it does in real life, and so no one really reads my blogs. Obviously, because there's NOTHING THERE. lol

It's funny how my life breaks apart when I don't have a job. I've totally lost track of my future because I've never wanted anything more than to work. Now that I don't have a job and can't seem to get one, God seems to be wanting me to learn a different method of motivation.
And hey, if I don't have to pass a urine test for it - rock on! lol

It's taken me the entire time since I've been back from KS to get my computer working again - it seems I have ANOTHER buggy motherboard. >grumble@ASUS< But all is better now (sorta) as I have a nice clean XP Corp install dual booting with Ubuntu 7.10. I use XP more at the moment because I get more done - with Linux I fiddle with things for hours going "ooh! check this out...!" I'm just not familar enough with it yet for it to be productive.
Currently if I boot into it I know I'll start fighting with XGL-accellerated dual monitors and Compiz-fusion. At the moment it seems to be a pick-two-of-three problem; either use Compiz and one screen, or two screens and standard XGL accelleration. >sigh<

Anyhow, I've somehow had a bible study dropped into my lap, and the attendees range from 13-14 to my parents. It's weird enough having someone like ME leading a bible study, it's even weirder to have a man in his late 30's look up to me for instruction. I mean, yeah - I always expect to be taken seriously... But I guess I'm so used to being rogue and scorned that it feels odd to not only have a serious audience but to actually teach God's word.
We'll see how this goes, but if things keep on, I might even be teaching some classes for the local homeschool group next year. It's actually enough to make me somewhat nervous. :) The current ideas are a computer class of some kind that uses gaming to teach computer skills, and a drama class (yeah... I'm a little scared of that one myself).

Well, I seem to have run out of steam. Laters.

Devin Townsend Band - Away

First of all, I've added two very important features. First is my site feed, and second is email updates. there is a a little Feedburner icon to the right for the feed, and there is a short form to sign up to recieve an email whenever I make a post.
I know I don't blog often enough, but hopefully email and automated feeds can allow me a wider reader base who don't have to work so hard to keep track of me.

And... Suddenly I am tired. There are things I need to talk about - things I SHOULD have been talking about already... But I will procrastinate yet more. Please sign up for the email at the very least!

"How long, how long / woman will you weep..."

For someone who pursues the life of chaos as I do, I don't handle unplanned disruptions so well. I've blogged before about being something of a control-freak and power-tripper, but the last couple of weeks have been a steady stream of painful life lessons.

I've come through a lot at this point in my life, and much of my current positive outlook is because I see myself as something a wandering hero. I admit that a lot of that is because I indulge in heroic fantasy far more than is healthy, but much of my attitude is backed up by actual fact.
I try to be an upright, honest and honorable man. My failures have been many, and each has taught me something important about myself and life. Each time I've fallen, I've gotten back up with a new view of the world around me.
I haven't blogged in so long - I haven't had consistent internet access in quite some time - there are huge gaps in online record of what's been going on in my life; which has been quite a lot.

I suppose a short version of the last two-ish months could be summed up as follows:
* Went to Chicago to get my stuff; what was to have been a three-day trip turned into a 24-hour nightmare where I was stopped and searched twice by piggish cops and I had to cancel several visits with friends.
* Two days later (still in recovery, since the trip had made me sick), I get hired for a job based in Kansas, and by the middle of the next week (I was home for about 4 days) I was moved and working hard.
* Several weeks later we take a break and go to Chicago for some pro-bono work for the Institute and a wedding. The stay was just over a week, during which I had my beloved external hard-drive, MX Revolution mouse and the new (for me) T42 laptop I'd just spent my last $500 on stolen... And from here on things get interesting because when I got home (back to KS):
* I get fired. And evicted - So it's back to Texas. And I'm broke again. I am staying in a 27' travel trailer that I'm (somehow) going to buy from my parents, and have no job and little enough chance of finding one. *sigh*

To make things more interesting, my sister has decided that I and my family hate her and is moving out. My attempt at talking to her only showed me how angry she is at me (for what she refuses to say), and ended with - believe it or not - her curled up on the futon, hands on her ears and me in tears (yep). I don't really respond well when someone I love pushes me aside.
This is doubly interesting because my life strangely mirrors what's going on in Naruto Shippuuden right now - and it's a well-known fact that when you start drawing connections between anime/manga and real life you have serious issues.
But the point here is that I've had some major hammerblows to my character. I've seen myself as ungrateful, self-centered and astonishingly worried about my destiny. I've suddenly realised I've got a list longer than my arm of friends who've needed help that I failed to provide, in spite of years of training and preparation. When push came to shove, I had to step aside because I couldn't hack it.

But... I also know that my life isn't about my strengths, but my weaknesses. I am only great and powerful when I am useless to anyone. I've been praying recently that God would revitalise my life... And I'd forgotten what following God really meant.
At this point I know that I'm here, now, because I need a good lesson in humility. But in all honesty, this is a really rough path I follow. It's at times like this that even I have trouble remembering to look to the future and trust in God, in spite of all I've been through it turns out I'm human, after all.

*sigh* It's both discouraging and uplifting to realise that. But at least I know my conscience still works.