Ambient Wanderings

I was originally going to write an intro explaining how witty and intellectual and funny (albeit in a very geeky way) my title was, but then decided that it was too tiresome to write out, as well as the fact that if people didn't get it in the first place then they never would at all. So I wrote this instead.

Man. It's been so long since I've blogged seriously that I can't really remember where I left off. I sorta have to decided where my life is going to take me from this point, and not all of my futures have enough room for blogging in them. I will probably always write, at least sporadically, throughout the rest of my life, but successful blogging requires that (a) you be somewhat permanently attached to your computer, and (b) an audience. My recent life as a wanderer has broken me free of my computer and any kind of expectation for internet access, and while I may have a rampant, mostly uncontrolled streak of hedonism I'm actually a pragmatist at heart. So, since I didn't have a computer or internet access, I got rid of my hugely overwhelming craving for them. Unfortunately this seems to have made me even more of an Otaku, but that's aside from the point.
Furthermore, you have to remember that my wandering is more along the lines of the ronin - masterless, placeless. The latin word planetes also applies - a self-contained body without permanent location or destination. It's difficult to keep up with friends when you are whirling through the galaxy at unimaginable speeds and distances.
My point is that over the last few years my life has taken on a distant quality. I feel almost insubstantial- or perhaps the other way around, as though my past is something I read about in a biography. Even my old dreams and ambitions, once so plentiful there wasn't room for them in my head, are now more like posters of great movies of yore that I never really got around to watching.
And so much about me and my life makes it difficult to be with other people for extended periods of time - at some point, I'm going to get on their nerves and ruin things for everyone. Even my family can't tolerate me for long stretches. In order to exist within the social framework of real life I have to put on a mask. I wear a girdle, step softly and breath quietly. Staying aware of everything around me and responding properly is nightmarishly difficult, because so much of it is an act.
I appreciate my family and the handful of long-term friends who feel comfortable enough around me that I can be more myself around them, but I still wish to be respectful of their feelings and so restrain myself when I feel appropriate.
Perhaps this is just life in general, for everyone, but suffice to say that I find it difficult to keep up with an audience. Real-life friends are tough because I have no transportation or money (as well as the social issues mentioned above), and Internet friends are tough because of the accelerated time on the web and lack of consistent access on my part.

And in case you forgot what I'm actually talking about, because I have, let me get back on track. Currently I'm listening the the EVE ambient soundtracks, composed by John Hallur. They are terrific atmospheric electronica with wide stereo imaging and deep rumbling bass elements. No, I'm not getting sidetracked, I'm getting back into my groove.
I love blogging. I love to think and reason and I love to get feedback on that. I prefer electronic to analog formats because it gives me time to think about what to say, how to phrase it, and additionally I don't st-tutter when I t-ype. ;P
But when things are as sporadic as they are - I haven't even had computer access for so long that I've gotten out of the habit of making notes on things and ideas. Just sitting down to write this ramble has taken me three days to work up the energy.
But my lack of any sort of regular interaction with the internet circles has the same effect it does in real life, and so no one really reads my blogs. Obviously, because there's NOTHING THERE. lol

It's funny how my life breaks apart when I don't have a job. I've totally lost track of my future because I've never wanted anything more than to work. Now that I don't have a job and can't seem to get one, God seems to be wanting me to learn a different method of motivation.
And hey, if I don't have to pass a urine test for it - rock on! lol

It's taken me the entire time since I've been back from KS to get my computer working again - it seems I have ANOTHER buggy motherboard. >grumble@ASUS< But all is better now (sorta) as I have a nice clean XP Corp install dual booting with Ubuntu 7.10. I use XP more at the moment because I get more done - with Linux I fiddle with things for hours going "ooh! check this out...!" I'm just not familar enough with it yet for it to be productive.
Currently if I boot into it I know I'll start fighting with XGL-accellerated dual monitors and Compiz-fusion. At the moment it seems to be a pick-two-of-three problem; either use Compiz and one screen, or two screens and standard XGL accelleration. >sigh<

Anyhow, I've somehow had a bible study dropped into my lap, and the attendees range from 13-14 to my parents. It's weird enough having someone like ME leading a bible study, it's even weirder to have a man in his late 30's look up to me for instruction. I mean, yeah - I always expect to be taken seriously... But I guess I'm so used to being rogue and scorned that it feels odd to not only have a serious audience but to actually teach God's word.
We'll see how this goes, but if things keep on, I might even be teaching some classes for the local homeschool group next year. It's actually enough to make me somewhat nervous. :) The current ideas are a computer class of some kind that uses gaming to teach computer skills, and a drama class (yeah... I'm a little scared of that one myself).

Well, I seem to have run out of steam. Laters.